All My Fathers
by SWD18
Summary: Sequel to General Hogwarts. If you thought the Marauder years were a bit soapy, wait until you read about how Harry trieds to find out who his real father is! Spoof name from All My Children. Joint fic by SHGrey18 and Samdum the Bouncing Hobbit.
1. The Boy Who Lived a Very Dramatic Life

**Disclaimer:** If we really did own Harry Potter, do you think we would be writing this online? We didn't think so, either.

**A/N:** Yup, the sequel to _General Hogwarts _is finally here! This is still a joint fic between SHGrey18 (me) and Samdum the Bouncing Hobbit, and is here on our joint account SWD18. We switch off every chapter- pardon, _episode_. It is recommended that _General Hogwarts_ is read first, but I guess it isn't absolutely necessary. Now, without any more interruptions . . .

_All My Fathers_

_Series Premiere: The Boy Who Lived . . . A Very Dramatic Life_

Sixteen-year-old Harry Potter actually felt depressed as he got his things ready for his sixth year at Hogwarts. Things had been so different this summer . . .

_Flashback (insert fuzzy edges around the television screen)_

_Harry is sitting very emo-like in his room, with heavy black eyeliner and the works. Dudley walks over as Harry broods over how depressing his life is. _

"_Hi, Harry," Dudley snorts in a happy-go-lucky manner that makes his cousin seem more depressed than he already is._

_Harry sighs rather melodramatically, and says, "The world must really be a dark place if my portly cousin no longer fears to be in my presence." Dudley suddenly seems very confused._

"_Harry, um, that wasn't in our script!"_

"_Well, it sounded a lot better than, 'Why, hello cousin Dudley! Isn't it a wonderful, pleasant day.' What is 'wonderful?' What is 'pleasant?'" As Harry continued with his pathetic rant, a sad and heart-wrenching melody begins to play. He perks his head up as it starts, and then tries to will himself to think that it's not there._

"_Stop acting all inkiteful! No . . . inliteful! No, that's not right either . . . inmiteful?"_

"_Insightful, you sad tub of lard. Now, why have you intruded upon my already bleak life?"_

"_Oh yeah . . . Mum wants to yell at you for something in the kitchen! Hee hee! Ooo, is that a candy bar on your bed?" As Dudley scrambles over to gobble down the remains of a randomly placed chocolate bar, Harry grudgingly leaves his room and travels down to the kitchen of Number Four, Privet Drive. There his Aunt Petunia was chopping vegetables for dinner._

"_What do you want, Aunt Petunia?" asked Harry, who felt even more in a black mood because his aunt was chopping carrots and he really detested carrots, them being too bright-colored for his liking._

_Petunia turned to Harry and an immediate flush came to her cheeks. "When I was young, Harry, I had thought Vernon was my true love. Now, though, it seems as if things have changed." Her eyes darted hopefully up to Harry's own. Harry felt a flutter in his heart that he had never felt before, and walked quickly over to his aunt. Right before their steamy make-out scene was about to begin, the infamous forbidden love serenade echoed across the set._

_Harry could not help but pause and ask, "Do you hear that?" Petunia, however, looked at her nephew/lover as if he had talking crickets in his head. "Nevermind!" spoke Harry quickly, not wanting to ruin the moment._

_End Flashback (because this fic is rated T, not M)_

The rest of the summer had passed rather well for Harry, who had shown bipolar qualities; from depressed to cheery in less than one hour. Of course, Vernon and Dudley were not let in on Harry and Petunia's little secret.

Now, just as Harry finished putting his belongings in his trunk-

Commercial Break!

"Have you ever felt sick?"

"Duh, yes."

"Unwell?"

"Yeah, of course."

"Agitated?"

"Right now!"

"Well, I have some good news for you! Rescued from the land of ancient Arabia, ReallyRandom Pharmaceuticals has created a new product guaranteed to cure any ailment! Here, try this!"

"But I'm not sick!"

"Think of your grandfather naked! Now do you feel sick?"

"Ew, yes!"

"Now try this!" Sally timidly tries the new medication.

"Hey, this isn't that bad! What is it!"

"Mellified man, of course!"

"What!"

"Yup, that's right! 100 all natural, organic dead man soaked in honey! Do you still feel sick . . . from your original ailment?"

"Oh. My. God . . ."

"I'll take that as a no! Ladies and gents, call now to get your share of this amazing product that will forever change the world of medicine! Call today!"

Now, just as Harry finished putting his belongings in his trunk, Petunia walked very solemnly into Harry's bedroom. "Harry, darling, why do you have to go to that Weasley place for the rest of the summer?" Petunia had now started to sob uncontrollably. "For-for that m-matter, why go away to that awful school? We could- we could run away together! We could go where nobody knows us, like-like Canada . . .or, or the Oklahoma panhandle, or-"

"Honey, I can't. You know that my contract says that I at least have to go until the end of this season!" Harry looked as if he was about to cry himself.

"Harry, I can't bear to live without-" Petunia stopped in mid-sentence as she watched Harry rather randomly jump onto his bed and stare madly at his ceiling.

"Do you think it's coming from there?" he asked quickly, pointing at the ceiling, all of his symptoms of depression already gone.

"What on Earth are you talking about?" asked Petunia, tears still running down her face.

"The 'dramatic broken heart' music! I know it has to be coming from somewhere around here!" There was a wild look in Harry's eyes that made Petunia a bit nervous. After a few more moments of Harry trying to carefully inspect his ceiling for hidden speakers, Petunia finally lost it.

In a fit of angry tears, she screamed out, "Why do the writers have to hate me so? I've had the same boring love interest for God-knows how many years, my only child is an obese ninny, and my nephew/new secret lover is cracked! That's it! I'm leaving!" With that little monologue behind her, Petunia Dursley stormed out of the house and caught the first plane from Heathrow to Middle-of-Nowhere, Oklahoma, which took a while because not many major airlines regularly flew to the Oklahoma panhandle. The writers weren't very upset, as they had planned to write Petunia out of the script anyway, and this made for a much more dramatic exit.

"Petunia!" cried out Harry, and in anger he threw a conveniently placed lamp across the room. "God, my life sucks! My parents were brutally murdered, my godfather was murdered (in a very vague way that leaves it up in the air whether he's really dead or not . . .), this evil loon is trying to kill me, and now my only love interest has left me! I can't take this stress!"

"Um, Harry, I thought that Cho was your first love interest?" said a familiar voice from the other side of his room.

"Oh, Ginny! Thank goodness you're here!" exclaimed Harry, completely fogetting about Petunia and running across the room, which was now dark because Harry had thrown the only lamp. He paused suddenly when he remember what was supposed to have happened. "Why isn't Dumbledore here?" Harry could hear a loud sigh from Ginny's direction.

"One: the scene with Slughorn was going to be way too expensive, so that whole scene was cut and the details will simply be glossed over that he has returned. And two: stop calling me Ginny! It's giving me the creeps!" Harry gasped as the figure he had thought to be Ginny was suddenly illuminated with stage lights.

A/N: Well, that's the first episode!


	2. THEM!

**Disclaimer: **We own nothing! Nothing at all! Absolutely nothing! If we did, a) we'd be arrested, and b) we'd be rolling in money, so we wouldn't feel the need to write fanfiction.

**A/N:** This is Samdum the Bouncing Hobbit, the "W" in SWD18. Terribly sorry for such the long wait, I gave up fanfiction for Lent. But now, here it is, the long awaited second episode of _All My Fathers_! Huzzah! Oh, and by the way, _SHGrey18_, what've you got against Oklahoma? Huh:suspicious squinty eyes:

_All My Fathers_

_Episode Two: THEM!_

Previously on All My Fathers:

_Harry: Aunt Petunia!_

_Dudley: Harry_

_(?): Ginny_

Harry gasped as the figure he thought to be Ginny was suddenly illuminated with stage lights. His bi-polarness prompted him to start getting tears in his eyes. He staggered backwards onto the bed.

"M-m-mum? You're alive?"

"Yes, Harry."

"But...but how? Everybody thought that you were...dead." This was just too much for Harry and he started sobbing uncontrollably. Lily patted his back in a consoling way.

"There there. Now, you stop that. You're starting to act like Sirius." Harry looked up.

"Sirius...?" He started sobbing even harder at the loss of his godfather.

"Now stop that!" Lily said, a bit more forcefully. Harry immediately stopped and looked at Lily pitifully with tears in his eyes.

"Yes mummy," he whimpered timidly. "So...where have you been all these years? How is it you're still alive? I have so many questions!" The tender, heart-warming, mother-son scene music started playing. "_Where is it coming from?_" Harry dropped to his knees and yelled at the ceiling.

"Where's what coming from?"

"That music!" Lily shook her head and smiled.

"Honestly, Harry. Has anybody ever told you how much like your father you are?" Harry looked at her sharply.

"What's that supposed to mean?" he snapped defensively.

"Don't take that tone with me, young man!"

"But _Mum_! That's part of my angsty teenage character!"

"And if your angsty teenage character told you to jump off London Bridge, would you?" Harry looked down at the floor, feeling the guilt only a mother could make you feel.

"No, ma'am," he mumbled. "So why aren't you dead? Where have you been?"

"In Decater."

"Where's that?"

"Arkansas."

"Oh." Harry _thought_ she smelled slightly of chickens and port-a-johns. "Why have you been in Arkansas?"

"Well..."

Commercial Break!

"Hey kids! Do you like sausage?"

"Yeah!"

"Do you like blood?"

"Is it video game blood?"

"Erm..." Disembodied Announcer's Voice hesitates to answer. "Look, kid, just say yes!" it mutters.

"Yeah!"

"Then you'll like blood sausage!"

"What's blood sausage?" Little Susie asks.

"What do you think it is?" Little Susie thinks for a moment.

"Eeewww!"

"That's right kids! Now for five payments of the low low price of $10.99, you can be the first on your block to have blood sausage!"

BLOOD SAUSAGE: THE GERMAN CONTRIBUTION TO INTERNATIONAL CUISINE!

"Well...Harry, there's this secret society that you don't know about. It's called the Order-"

"Order of the Phoenix? Yeah, I know about that."

"You didn't let me finish! It's called the Order of the _Invisible_ Phoenix. Only, when the camera's on, we must only refer to the Order as THEM."

"Them?"

"No, Harry! THEM."

"So, is THEM some sort of weird acronym or something?"

"No," Lily said slowly.

"Then why's it on the teleprompter in capital letters?"

"_Because_, the almighty authors/narrators/directors said so! And they think it's more mysterious sounding."

"Since when did we listen to _them_?"

"Don't question us!" the Almighty Omniscient Co-Author's voice boomed from the ceiling.

"And if I do?" Harry asked the ceiling challengingly.

"We'll give you a brain tumor!"

"But I'm the main character!"

"So?"

"Harry, who are you talking to?"

"The Omniscient Co-Author's voice. It lives in the ceiling."

"Right, dear."

"No, really! Watch: I'm questioning you! See! I'm not reading the teleprompter! I'm going off script! Ha!" The ceiling remained silent.

"I think we'd better get you to Professor Dumbledore, before you turn out like your father."

"Um...okay. So why are the details about Slughorn being glossed over instead of sneakily being wound into the script that he likes his comfort, is quite fat, and used to be your potions teacher?"

"Alfonso Cueron's directing again, and he didn't think that the fact that he used to be our potions teacher is all that important. He was more concerned with the 'finer' details, like the artsy fades and kamikaze blue birds flying into the Whomping Willow."

"Oh."

_Flashforward to Hogwarts Express_

"Come on, Harry! You'll be late for school!" Harry hurried after his mother, still contemplating about how she could still be alive. He stopped suddenly and stared at the disturbing and so-very-wrong sight that met him.

"Ron?" he stammered incredulously.

_Stay tuned..._

* * *

A/N: Okay, so it's kinda suckish..._really _suckish. But you can't blame me! No fanfiction for 47 days, so I'm gonna be a little rusty! Better chapters in the future, I promise!


	3. To Be Expected

Disclaimer: Still don't own Harry Potter. However, with my birthday coming up, if you need any gift ideas . . .

A/N: Well, it sure has been a while. I (SHGrey18) kind of lost interest in this, but recently (due to slight prodding from Samdum the Bouncing Hobbit), I have felt more inspired. I'm on vacation now, so it couldn't hurt to spend a little of the time I would "waste" on reading, having a social life, and watching episodes of Star Trek: The Original Series working on this.

_All My Fathers_

_Episode Three: To Be Expected_

Previously on All My Fathers:

_Harry: Mom?_

_Lily: THEM!_

_Harry (again): . . .Ron?!_

"Hey there, Harry!" cried out Ron, waving over to his best friend. Harry just stood there for a moment, blinking furiously. Ron was standing there, about to board the Hogwarts Express . . . in the nude

"Hi Ron." Harry tried to keep his eyes from wandering too low. "So, uhh, where are your pants?"

"Pants?" Ron looked confused.

"Yeah. You . . .wear them."

"I never would have thought you were a _conformist_, Harry." Now Harry, still in his stereotypical emo makeup, black tight-fit t-shirt, and dark skinny jeans, was the one to look confused. "You wouldn't know, since you decided to blow off your trip to my house this summer, but I have undergone a personal revolution." Ron looked meaningfully off into the distance. Harry considered the possibility that Ron may have also developed some sort of psychic powers, since his gaze was directed at a particularly blank stretch of wall.

"Nope, not this time," whispered one of the almighty co-authors. "Thanks for the idea, though!"

"Okay . . ." whispered Harry aimlessly to the roof.

"Harry! You don't really care about me, do you? All you ever listen to are your _imaginary_ friends."

"But-"

"I was going to tell you of the almost mythical transformation I have undergone. I have found nature, and in nature I have found . . .myself." Harry was too confused by Ron's ranting to understand the self-revelation theme building.

"Haven't you always been, well, yourself?"

"Like you would understand. Like you understand _anything_."

"That's not true, Ron! I understand perhaps the most important thing of all- our friendship!" He looked pleadingly at Ron. Why did life always have to be this complicated?

"Now that's just bullocks. You're never there when it matters. When I needed companionship this summer experiencing my self revolution, where were you?" Harry was slightly irked now. It wasn't as if he had chosen to fast forward from the time he met his mother to right now. The powers that be pulled stuff like this on him all the time. He sighed; Ron had never cared before. Things had really changed, he guessed.

"Harry, Ron!" cried a very familiar female voice from off to the side. Harry spun around to see Hermione making her way towards them. However, there was something wrong with Hermione that made Harry even more concerned than we had first seen Ron.

Okay, everyone, time for a commercial break!

"What do you know about Snuggie Monsters?" asks a mysterious voice from behind the camera. Several teenyboppers then respond, with answers ranging from the inappropriate "well, Snuggie Monster is a game my boyfriend and I play" to the annoying "how could something so cute be so deadly?" to the classic "Snuggies coming to life is empirically impossible." In between these short interviews are night vision clips of people obviously wearing Snuggies with their faces covered sneaking down a long hallway. Interspaced with these was the tagline: "Somewhere between a blanket and a sweater lies . . .the Snuggie" in red and dripping letters.

As the preview ends, a group of silly teenage girls are sitting around a Ouija board that looks like it was just poorly printed off from the internet. You realize quickly how cheaply the scene was made by the fact that a pretzel is what the girls are moving across the board. The pretzel moves to "goodbye," and the group cries out pathetically, "Snuggie?" Oh, do they have quite the night ahead of them.

With the same font as before, "Night of the Snuggie" and "Coming Soon" flash on the screen before it goes to black.

The Hermione standing before him had certainly changed from the beginning of the summer. She wasn't naked, but she was definitely pregnant.

"Hermione . . .what . . .what the heck?" gasped Harry.

She looked at him curiously for a moment before a look of understanding lit up her face. "Ron hasn't told you about our baby yet?"

"Wait a second, you two . . ." Harry looked horrified. "OH MY GOD."

"Yet another example of your ignorance of your friends' true selves! _ Hermione_ understands me very well," said Ron dramatically.

"Well, you would know . . .now." Harry still looked grossed out.

"Oh, just go ahead and judge. We won't stop you!" Ron's cheeks were even redder than his hair."

"Ron, please-" started Hermione.

"Well, if that's how you really feel," shrugged Harry.

"Harry, _really?_ asked the mysterious voice from above. The script says you need to act hurt! Your best friend is mad at you for thinking he's a crazy nudist and that it's gross he had sex with your other best friend. You just want him back to normal! How do you think you should feel?" The voice sounded irritated.

"Well, he asked me to do something for him."

"He was being sarcastic! The script tells him to be sarcastic, and –what do you know! –he does it." The voice of the co-author tried to remain steady. "You know what? Whatever. Continuing on!"

"Harry, please-" said Hermione, as if she was totally oblivious to the voice.

"Fine! C'mon, Hermione, we have better things to do!" Ron took Hermione's arm, and was about to storm off towards the train when they were suddenly interrupted.

"Wait, wait!" cried Lily, running towards the group of teenagers. Her eyes lit up when she saw Hermione's swollen middle; for reason, she didn't notice or didn't care that Ron was naked.

"Harry! These must be your friends! Been busy, huh?" She winked at him.

"Who are you, exactly?" said Hermione, looking a little confused.

"Harry didn't tell you? I'm his mum, of course?"

Ron, his voice not shedding his previous anger, blurted out, "Aren't you supposed to be dead?" Lily quickly shushed him.

"It's because of _THEM_," she whispered. Their eyes widened in understanding as a roll of thunder was heard in the otherwise lovely late summer day. Harry would have asked how they knew about _THEM_, but figured that weird voice would get mad at him again.

"You poor dear," said Hermione, wiping a tear from her eye. "Oh, and the baby isn't Harry's—it's Ron's."

"Well, you never can be too sure about these things. Goodness, I'm not really sure who Harry's father really is!" Harry gasped himself.

"Mum! You really don't know for sure who my father is?" He was too shocked to even notice the startling realization melodies around him.

"Well, there are several possibilities . . ." Harry did not seem reassured by this. "Harry! I was young, and love was all around me." Lily smiled in remembrance as the whistle on the Hogwarts Express began to blow.

"Well, uh, we better get going," said Harry, rather embarrassedly. He had not taken a few steps when he suddenly heard a loud shriek behind him that suddenly merged with a sharp increase in the music's intensity. He spun around to see Hermione sprawled on the ground.

"The baby- it's coming!" she said breathlessly. Ron and Lily ran to her side. Harry paused for a moment.

'Wait a second . . .when did you actually get pregnant?"

A/N: Hope this was an alright return ;) Now back to Samdum!


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